Sympathy vs condolence

Sympathy vs condolence are two words used almost interchangeably in modern English, but the small underlying distinction is useful for anyone writing a card or message after a loss.

Sympathy is the inward feeling of sorrow for someone else's loss. Condolence is the outward expression of that feeling, the act of saying or writing it. A sympathy card is the object; the lines inside it are the condolence. The distinction is not load-bearing, but it makes the difference between feeling for someone and actually telling them so.

Where the words come from

Sympathy comes from the Greek sym- (with) and pathos (feeling), suffering alongside someone. Condolence comes from the Latin con- (with) and dolere (to grieve), to grieve with. Both words name the same direction of feeling. English keeps both around because the formal version (my condolences) reads as the bound, ceremonial form, while sympathy is the more general word for the feeling itself.

What lands and what does not

The cards and messages that land best, in survey after survey of bereaved families, are short, specific, and free of advice. I am so sorry. I keep thinking about her laugh in the kitchen. The ones that land worst tend to philosophize (everything happens for a reason), redirect to the writer (I know exactly how you feel because), or rush the bereaved past the loss (at least). When in doubt, name the person, name what you will miss, offer something specific you will do, and stop.

Timing and second waves

The first wave of condolences arrives in the first week and then nearly disappears. Bereaved families consistently report that the messages they remember most are the ones that arrived in months three through twelve, when the rest of the world had moved on. A note on the six-month anniversary, a text on what would have been a birthday, a card on the first holiday without the person, do more for grief than any clustering of cards in the first week.

Where it shows up around VibeLovely

Sympathy and condolence sit at the center of the Sympathy desk's coverage on cards, texts, and what to write when nothing seems right.

References

• Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy (5th ed.). Springer.
• Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions. Research Press.
• Emily Post Institute. Sympathy notes and condolence letters. emilypost.com
• Hospice Foundation of America. How to write a condolence note. hospicefoundation.org