In This Article
Stonewalling. Withdrawing from interaction during conflict — refusing to engage, going silent, or physically leaving without communicating. One of John Gottman’s “four horsemen” behaviors that predict relationship distress. Often a protective response to emotional flooding rather than a malicious one.
Where the term comes from
Identified by John Gottman as one of the four communication behaviors that most reliably predict relationship dissolution (along with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness). Gottman’s research finds that stonewalling typically emerges when one partner’s physiological arousal exceeds their capacity to engage constructively — heart rate elevated, fight-or-flight engaged. The behavior is more common in men than women in heterosexual partnerships, though both partners can stonewall.
How it shows up in real life
Mid-argument, one partner stops responding. They might leave the room. They might say nothing for hours. They might give monosyllabic answers and avoid eye contact. The stonewalling partner is often genuinely overwhelmed — what they need is a self-soothing break, not pressure to engage. The non-stonewalling partner often experiences the silence as rejection or punishment, even when it is not intended that way.
Common misuses
Stonewalling is sometimes conflated with the “silent treatment” (a more deliberate punitive behavior). They share surface features but differ in intent. Stonewalling is typically protective; the silent treatment is typically punitive. The repair is also different: stonewalling needs space then re-engagement; the silent treatment needs direct confrontation.
