In This Article
Bid for connection. Another Gottman concept: any small attempt one partner makes to engage the other emotionally — a comment, a question, a touch, a request for attention. Long-term relationships are made or broken by the percentage of bids each partner “turns toward” rather than “turns away from.”
Where the term comes from
Identified by John and Julie Gottman in their longitudinal research on couples. The bid-for-connection framework emerged from observing that successful couples were not necessarily those with more dramatic shared moments, but those who consistently turned toward the small bids each partner made for attention or engagement. Couples who divorced within six years of marriage turned toward bids 33% of the time on average; couples who remained married turned toward bids 86% of the time.
How it shows up in real life
Your partner says “look at that bird” while you’re reading. The bid is small. Turning toward: looking up, engaging briefly, returning to your book. Turning away: a noncommittal “hmm.” Turning against: “Why are you bothering me, I’m reading.” The bid-and-response cycle happens dozens or hundreds of times a day in healthy relationships. Most go unnoticed; the pattern compounds.
Common misuses
Bids are not always verbal and not always overt requests for attention. A sigh, a comment about the weather, a question about dinner — these can all be bids. The misreading is treating bids only as “requests for romance” or “quality time”; the framework is much broader.
