Repair attempts

Repair attempts is the relationship-research term for any small move a partner makes during a difficult conversation to pull it back from the edge. A joke, an apology, a softening of tone, a hand on the arm.

John Gottman's research found that what predicts whether a couple will last is not the rate of conflict, which is roughly the same across stable and unstable couples, but the rate at which repair attempts get registered and accepted. Stable couples both make and receive them constantly; unstable couples often make them but the partner does not see them, and the argument escalates.

What a repair attempt actually sounds like

Repair attempts are deliberately small and often clumsy. A spouse mid-argument says can we start this conversation over, or makes a self-deprecating joke about the way they just sounded, or names the emotion under the heat: I think I'm scared we're not going to figure this out. None of these settles the dispute; all of them break the pattern.

Gottman's lab catalogued hundreds of these. Successful couples used many that an outsider might miss: a particular nickname, a reference to a private joke, a hand reaching across the table. The content barely mattered. The signal was: I am still on your team.

Why they fail

Repair attempts fail when the receiving partner is in physiological flooding, what Gottman calls emotional flooding, and cannot register the attempt as a repair. Heart rate is over 100, the prefrontal cortex is offline, the world has narrowed to threat. From inside flooding, a joke sounds like dismissal and an apology sounds like manipulation. The repair move arrives and bounces off.

Building a couple's repair vocabulary

Therapists trained in Gottman Method work explicitly on building a shared library of repair moves. The Gottman team's Repair Checklist is a literal printable list that couples use, partners pick from a column of phrases (that came out wrong, can I try again?, I'm getting too upset to talk well right now, that's a good point) when the heat is rising. The list is intentionally banal, the point is that any phrase known in advance is easier to find under stress.

Healthy couples also rehearse their repairs outside conflict. They name what hurts and what helps when the room is calm, so that mid-argument the partner already knows the move means we are repairing, please meet me here.

Where it shows up around VibeLovely

Repair attempts are foundational to the Communication desk's coverage on fighting well, and to the pieces on rebuilding after a long stretch of bad conversations.

References

• Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. Crown.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown. (Chapter on repair attempts and the Aftermath of a Fight)
• Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301-314.
• The Gottman Institute. How to make repair attempts. gottman.com