In This Article
Repair attempts. John Gottman's name for the small verbal and nonverbal moves partners make during conflict to de-escalate, lighten the mood, or signal that the bond is still intact. The presence or absence of repair attempts is one of the strongest predictors of whether a relationship survives ongoing conflict.
Where the term comes from
Identified by John Gottman in the “Love Lab” research at the University of Washington starting in the 1980s. Gottman’s finding: it is not the absence of conflict that predicts relationship survival, but the presence of effective repair. Couples who have many fights but make consistent repair attempts (and whose partners receive them) have better long-term outcomes than couples who have few fights but lack repair-attempt patterns.
How it shows up in real life
Repair attempts are small. A joke in the middle of a heated moment that you and your partner both laugh at. A hand reaching across the couch. “I love you even when we’re fighting like this.” A self-aware acknowledgment: “I am being defensive right now and I’m going to stop.” A pause and a breath. The repair attempt doesn’t resolve the conflict; it signals that the partnership is bigger than the fight.
Common misuses
A repair attempt is not the same as an apology, and it does not require an apology to be effective. The danger of conflating them: partners can feel pressured to apologize prematurely to “repair” a moment, which often backfires. Repair attempts can simply be presence, humor, or affection in the middle of difficulty.
